I found out on Saturday, and i’m less than 5 weeks. We’ve been dating for exactly one year. There was a mishap at the beginning of May, and the plan b didn’t work. I’ve only told him, and my roommate (reluctantly) but otherwise I’ll probably take this to my grave because all of my friends hate him, and i’d rather perish than tell my parents that I’m seeing a man the same age as them. I’m not feeling any strong emotions about it, but I feel really weird. Mostly just grateful that I live in a state where abortion is legal. My appointment is on Friday.

Spaghettios, green peas, and a pickle juice lemonade

This massive canvas has been living on my dining table for weeks because I just moved and don’t have a better set up yet. So yeah. Coconut-based yogurt with a banana and dark chocolate, eaten directly on top of the painting.

Got the cancellation this morning, mid-highlights, and just kind of… kept painting. I figure the upside is that I now get to make some footage for my socials, since the buyer wanted to keep this work private.

This isn’t my first cancellation and it won’t be my last, but something about this one stings in a specific way I haven’t fully processed yet. Maybe because it’s the largest thing I’ve made in a while and I was really counting on the income. Maybe because the dogs are beautiful and I’ve spent weeks learning their faces.

Anyway. The painting still exists. That’s the strange thing about making physical objects: they don’t care about intent or that they’ll never get to exist in the same room as the creatures they were based on.

If anyone wants a borzoi, apparently I have two.

EDIT: Ya’ll are amazing. So much kindness, good advice and even people reaching out to support me with their wallets..! Women-centric communities are truly the best ❤️

Dinner at ikea - butter chicken meatballs, nachos with meatballs, samosas, veggie medallion, cheesecake

I’ve read way too many posts about low effort men on this sub so I want to give some real examples of high effort men just to show that they exist! These examples are from my 3 closest friends who are in long term relationships (5+ years), so they’re way past the honeymoon phase

1   Delivers her a weeks worth of meal prep when she’s stressed   
2   Comes over just to clean her house   
3   Saved up all his credit card points for years to buy her a Dyson air wrap   
4   Blow dries her hair every night  
5   De-shells all the shrimp for her before she eats   
6   Picked her up at the airport with a bouquet of her favorite snacks  
7   Plans a full day of surprises for her bday each year   
8   Hired a weekly cleaner because she doesn’t like cleaning   
9   Cuts fruit for her to eat while she works 

I spent years third wheeling their dates until I met my own high effort man 🥹 it really is possible

A funky financial win happened today.

I wear orthokeratology lenses, and occasionally they develop small issues. They're slightly off-center, which is a problem I’ve had before.

I’ve seen the same older male optometrist before for this exact issue. Usually the appointment takes no More than 10 minutes. He checks my eyes confirms the lens is faulty, and says they’ll make a reclamation and send a replacement. Every previous time I’ve had to pay for the visit despite it being this short.

Today was basically the exact same appointment.
And i never wear eye make up to an optometrist. But today I was actually dressed up because I had a date immediately afterward. Makeup, laminated lashes, a lower cut dress.

During the appointment he looked at my chart and was like, “Oh, you were born in 05?” which was a lil unusual because normally he just asks for my surname to confirm it’s me. And when my bombshell friend recommended him, she said he's always super nice, talks about her med studies with her, gives her skin care tips. Whereas to me before he was never talkative. And my impressions of him were always that he's grumpy.

But this time he was generally nicer and asked about supplements and recommended me some stuff.
Then at the end he said “Well today’s visit was so short. Since we did so little, I won’t charge you this time.”

Which sounds perfectly reasonable on its own, except that every other equally short appointment for the exact same or similar issue was charged. And he's always been grumpy and slightly dissmisive.

So it randomly crossed my mind did I get a free appointment because I happened to look nice that day, or am I reading way too much into a coincidence?

I guess part of why it even made me wonder in the first place, is that i've read here about how some men can't imagine being nice to a woman they don't find attractive.

Meringue on a lovely date.

A snack I made my toddler. She’s a girl, we love girl dinner.

But, I’m kinda a bad mom.

Dr. Girl Dinner Diaries,

I deleted all social media. I realized am addicted to my phone. Yes, I am on Reddit, I see the confusion. I deleted all social media, but here I am on Reddit? I am a 30 year old millennial, I was deep into tumblr. Reddit almost feels the same, it’s not JUST a social media.

Anyways.

I have noticed that I am addicted to TikTok, bad. I noticed I was getting so overestimated by my daughter. She is 2, full of energy, silliness, and a lot of words. She has to make sure all her words get out in one day. In the evenings I used TikTok as my escape. Doom scrolled any moment I had. The tipping point was Sunday night. I was so on edge, long day with my toddler and I felt like we had been going nonstop. I just wanted to look at my phone and ignore the world. But, I can’t, I have a toddler. I am good about not snapping at her, but I was watching my phone and she jumped on me. This caused my phone to fly towards me and kid me right on the bridge of my nose. Ouch, horrible, poetic justice. I moved my daughter off of me and told her to go away. I immediately felt horrible, and her feelings were so hurt. We broke down crying, I told her I was sorry and held her.

I realized that I had been trying to give my phone my full attention, and missed so many moments with my daughter. I decided right then and there I would not let my phone have the best version of me. My baby deserves that. She didn’t ask to be here.

Motherhood is hard, but not because of the lack of freedom. Because there is a little person who needs you, and they take a lot of effort to meet their needs. Since not having TikTok and Facebook anymore, I’ve noticed my irritability has gone down significantly. I get home, do some chores, my husband and I get dinner on the table, we clean up together, and then I just hung out with my kid. My kid was extra irritable today. She really needed me. I have let her bedtime routine slack. But, I asked her to lay down and then when I came to lay down with her we sang songs until she fell asleep in my arms. It’s been a good minute since I’ve just held her and not had my headphones in listening to a TikTok video. While she talked and I didn’t even hear her.

Tonight, I heard everything. We talked while she fell asleep. I tickled her arms as she fell asleep. Now she’s snoring, I’m chillin, and pouring my heart out to a bunch of girls I haven’t met. I am doing everything I can to become a better mom for my daughter.

my (F28) dad (M60s) got engaged after 6 months of dating a woman (also in her 60s). They are getting married this weekend, almost a year after they first met. I have been supportive despite several red flags of the relationship because they are happy.

however, a few months ago I expressed to my dad that I feel like his fiancé gets visibly upset when we mention my mom, who passed in 2019 after years of illness, hardship for my family, and hospice. I was 21. My mom and dad would probably have divorced if not for the illness— most of the stories we tell are fond, but also include how stubborn and difficult she was. she was my mom, his wife, and a person who mattered. Her loss was completing devastating and changed our family forever (dad and other adult siblings.)

Dad expressed at the time that he wasn’t sure of her feelings about my mom. But even if someone slightly mentions my mom, she throws a fit— sometimes she leaves the room, sometimes she cries, sometimes she goes silent. It’s strange, especially since she is a mother herself and I doubt she’d want her kids to erase her existence if she died. To be clear, we don’t sit around telling stories about my mom, she just is in some of our memories and stories and gets mentioned. I feel like my siblings and I are quite sensitive to what we say around the fiancé, about our mom.

But fundamentally, I deserve to get to talk about my mom. a.) she’s gone. She’s not competition for his fiancé. b.) I find it incredibly
immature and selfish for someone to behave this way towards the family she’s marrying into. It’s like she doesn’t want the family and history my dad comes with. We don’t talk about our mom incessantly, and my dad doesn’t talk about her wistfully, she just is there in our stories.

I don’t begrudge my dad’s relationship— I want him to be in love and happy. I have told them that earnestly many times before.

Cut to, I just found out the reason why many of my moms side of the family wasn’t invited to the wedding (despite being my dads only family since the mid 90s, when he became estranged from his family) is because she doesn’t want them around, because of my mom. My aunts, uncles, and cousins have been his ONLY family for 30 years, and our family is close. All have been incredibly accepting and generous towards them, only voicing concerns over a few red flags to my siblings and I.

Now I feel like if his fiancé is able to treat our family this way, what does she expect in their marriage? Will she just ignore my dad’s history and demand from him to never talk about someone who mattered so much to us? Every story we have, every memory, my mom’s there. Will she force him to stop interacting with his children because we are part him, part my mom?

I’m at a loss and so, so stressed. My dad and I have been close ever since my mom’s passing, but this year with his fiancé has created distance, mostly because she has no desire to be around anyone but my dad.

thanks for letting me vent.

edit: for clarification, my dad doesn’t have many friends. So it seems like the wedding is mostly people invited by her, and then a few of his old friends/ coworkers, my siblings and I. So it feels even more restrictive that he won’t get to have the key people in his life with him.

Edit #2: the lack of invitation for my family isn’t the issue, it’s just the catalyst of me spiraling. It’s their wedding, I don’t want to take choices from them. It just feels like a lot of this year of their relationship has been leading my dad down a path that directly and frequently hurts me and my siblings— which we have voiced to him before. This is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I stay up or care for our baby (10 months) in the very early morning and results in back pain as she wants to nurse laying down for multiple hours (I’m awake for these hours) and putting her back down and ensuring she stays asleep.

In the morning from 10 to 12 he’s got free time before work. I always ask that he watches her while I rest those 2 hours to function in the day. He complains, sighs deeply, and makes me feel guilty.
When I finally am able to shut my eyes, he’ll rip open the door (I have PTSD and he knows this triggers it) and cause me to be terrified and jolt up with my heart hammering. He says he opens it normally.
Then he flicks on the lights and asks if I’m getting up yet. I don’t rest much but I desperately need these few hours of sleep at least.

My back is in so much pain and he says I need to do stretches and it’s my fault. I feel sad. I’m writing this while nursing her right now and about to get up for the day because it’s not worth the scare or guilt. I’m very tired.

Meal is:
Toasted sourdough bread, sardines, dill, potato chips, onions (2 kinds) and carmalized bacon dip with kewpie mayo.

Edit:
I want everyone to know I’m taking all of these comments seriously and it really helped me rethink my future. Seriously.

I knew her for over ten years. She was one of the closest friends in my life. I really always thought we'd see each other grow old, get kicked out of nursing homes together type of friendship.

And then...she was gone like she never existed. It was for the better, I know that. While I knew our political views didn't really align much, that never bothered me. Until she berated me for saying the current administration made me feel uneasy about my rights as a lesbian. Told me off, told me I was being lied to, they were the only reason I could get married and I needed to educate myself.

I don't ever talk about to my straight friends precautions I take as a lesbian. How I don't tell random strangers, a guy asks me out I lie about having a boyfriend. The last time this administration was in office, I encountered not physical, but definitely some violence and threats that taught me to be protective of myself. When I told her that happened more than she realized...she just told me again I was wrong.

So yeah. I think about her daily. I think I may never fully accept it, but I know it's for the better. Dinner (I meant breakfast ffs. Sorry about that lol) is mini protein pancakes I made lol

Edit: Holy shit, wow. Hi. I didn't expect this to blow up the way it did. I can't reply to every comment because I'm at work currently, but I wanted to make it known my heart goes out to everyone who feels the same way as I do. You've all made me feel less alone. So...thank you🖤

Strawberries and the rest of the bahn mi that my son didn’t eat.

Burner account, obviously. My husband is on Reddit and I would rather him not see this.

We had a really happy relationship for years and were happy married for years 5 years. We didn’t really fight, except early relationship wrinkles about finances and decor and stuff like that.

We had a kid two years ago. We’d planned for years, we’d talked about who would stay home with him (I did, because even though I made more I hated my job and he loved his). And then our son was born and i was so happy. And I think I should’ve noticed it sooner, but my husband wasn’t. Post partum depression maybe? For men? He started talking about how “isn’t it crazy that our life is basically over?” And I’d be like “… what??” But it got worse. He got more listless and despondent. He stopped talking to his friends. He stopped caring about our hobbies. And his work got stressful and he got stressed. And I was bad at housework and juggling a baby at once and he said the division of labor was unequal.

About a year after our son was born he had a crash out. I’m not going to describe the details but it was not great. He recognized he was depressed. He got a therapist. He got on SSRIs. He made some dedications for himself and for our family that he was going to do better.

But it’s only felt like it’s gotten worse. I don’t know if it’s the specific SSRI or the depression but I don’t recognize him.

He doesn’t act like he cares about me anymore. He hasn’t been physically affectionate with me since he started his ssri. He doesn’t kiss me before he leaves for work. He doesn’t seem interested in our shared hobbies anymore. He spends all day on his phone talking to ChatGPT and Claude, insisting it’s to “optimize his workflow”. He doesn’t plan dates, he doesn’t help me plan our family trips, he doesnt plan weekend excursions, he doesn’t remember pediatrician visits, he didn’t even remember to vote (and he used to work on political campaigns). Sometimes at 9 he’ll just say he’s going to go lay with our son and spends the rest of the night in his room. He was always bad at responding to friends texts but now he hasn’t messaged most of them for months and they’re all worried and scared for him.

He’s not like an empty shell or something. He still loves to play with our son and hang out and when I do plan things he mostly seems there and present and excited and it’s like the old him. But often he seems like a weird shadow of himself.

And he’s so absent minded- constantly just forgetting to do things and seemingly careless about my own emotions on things. As an example - I took a shower after he got home from work and when I got out after a few minutes I noticed some of my craft hobby supplies on the counter (like $200-300 of things that I keep in cabinets behind the couch) and when I asked what’s up with that he said our son peed on them, completely calm and blase. These are not things that can survive if peed on. He was so mute and numb about it. I was a bit pissed- how did he get back there? Were you not watching him? Why didn’t you mention this sooner? What?? And this is where the anger kicks in.

The anger. The anger is a lot. Hes never yelled before but he’ll start yelling, jumping up and down, wringing his hands. It’s scary. I grew up in a house with an angry man and I refuse to have that for my son. Hes been saying that me snapping at him is the cause of his stress, is the cause of his unhappiness. That im always angry, that im never happy- that i make him unhappy. And it’s… it’s darvo right? I get mildly to moderately upset about something careless he did and suddenly he’s yelling and saying this is all my fault for being upset, for ruining the day, for making “the next few hours of his life miserable.” And I just sit there and take it and beg him to go to therapy with me.

I’m trying. I’m really trying. I’m keeping the house (though he still insists he does more than me there and that our relationship is inequitable), I’m taking care of our son, I’m trying to plan fun things for us to do, i plan vacations, I keep up with his friends, I found a babysitter so we can do date nights. Im applying for jobs again to try and give us more money and me a break from childcare (I have historically made a good deal more than him and honestly maybe he can quit and take time to get help). I try to plan trips for him to go see friends but he refuses because he feels so bad for not texting them that he doesn’t want to see them. He just doesn’t seem to care. I asked for couples therapy and he said he’s scared I’ll just misrepresent him and litigate the relationship and things will get worse. I don’t know what to do. I mean, I want to get couples therapy- that’s what to do. But god I’m tired.

I miss my husband. I miss him so much. He was my best friend. He was my confidant. We did everything together. We didn’t understand couples who fought. We didn’t understand couples who didn’t share everything, who didn’t share the same hobbies and joys and lives. We were so damn happy. And now i feel like im living with a stranger. A stranger who doesn’t even like me that much.

ETA: sorry i cant respond to everyone, im trying to read as many as i can but im also cleaning, and running after and playing with my son, and texting family and friends about what to do about all this. To answer frequent questions- it’s Zoloft, it’s been 7 months, he has a therapist but im pretty sure he is a quack because he kept trying to sell his book and was saying how he doesn’t think depression is real (our hmo assigned him). yes i think he has ai psychosis or at the very least addiction. he did want kids and says now how our son is the best part of his life but he seems to miss some freedoms - though he’s normally the one now vetoing any plans i make for us to reclaim those freedoms or old activities. Yes im an attorney- we both are. I did corporate adjacent work and he does environmental (which makes the AI of it all even stranger and more out of character).

He come home for lunch and I tried talking to him again about couples counseling and when he said he would call tomorrow and I said I hate that I feel this way but I’m not sure I believe him because he hasn’t followed through in the past and he told me “I think you have a quota of anger and cruelty to fill up and because you can’t find anyone else to put it out on you’re letting it all out on me.” And then said he really didn’t like the person I’ve become. Holy shit. That’s some Tom from succession kind of mean. So. Not sure where to go from here

Limoncello cake, vanilla cold brew.

I'll be forty tomorrow. My kid just brought me an early treat! We're out of town doing our music thing. Let me tell you about my life.

I am the belle of the ball, professionally. I have more offers than I can accept.

Same goes for the gentlemen. On the two block walk from the room to the cafe, three different guys, of various age, stopped to respectfully hit on me.

My kid- graduating high school at sixteen, creative, deeply decent, and hilarious.

My extended family and friends- our relationships are better than ever.

Health- my doctor just told me I am wildly improved (I will not get into the particulars, but 2020 was not good for me).

I am a homeowner, bought myself the (gently used) car I always wanted. I have what I call "a normal amount" of rescues, which when delivered deadpan in response to "oh, you have a cat, how many do you have?", is hilarious.

I am telling you all of this because there was a time I was making reddit posts about the absolute worst treatment from the worst people, hoping to make sense of what is nonsensical. If you are reading this and you are excusing, justifying, contorting your very self in order to stay in relationship with someone (based on these posts, some dude), I am here to tell you: STOP

It feels bad because it is bad. It feels wrong because it is. You feel belittled or used or ignored or unloved, *because you are* (from that person, you are not unlovable, they are unable to love).​

You DO deserve and CAN HAVE and WILL HAVE better. But first you have to stop hanging out with and pouring yourself into the bad.

You have to stop.

They will let you spend your whole entire life engaged in loss. Loss after loss after loss. They will not wake up. They will not suddenly understand the error of their ways. They will not validate or love you. And sometimes its not just you they won't love, but the children you share (I know that's hard to accept. But acceptance can be liberating). There is no day it will all have been worth it and you will be repaid for your suffering. That day is never coming. It stops when you stop it.

What feels impossible to you right now (peace? happiness? safety? success?) is actually just on the other side of this person's bullshit.

I see it again and again on here and y'all have to know there's a better way. You're stronger than you think and all those lies you've heard so much you started to believe them, are just that. Lies.

I have been where you are. It can be so much different.

I just realized today: wow, there was a time I couldn't even imagine how happy I'd be today. I wish the same for you all.

First I did take everybody’s comments seriously aaa, I truly didn’t realize how serious the situation was because he would always downplay his behavior and genuinely made me think I had imagined some things and I also felt guilty about being tired.

I’m taking steps to changing my future with me and my baby to ensure she has a better role model. My family is very far away but will give me support.

Thank you everyone who did help me stop doubting myself because I was losing my mind for a bit there.
Sometimes I would be mid sentence and he would say “that didn’t happen” and I got very confused if it did or not…

And to answer some questions about my back, it really hurts because of the way I have to lay with her :’) she is a very picky baby and won’t feed on the other side so I have to lay half on my back and half on my right side, arm around her like a pillow (often losing circulation to my arm lol) and my back straightened out or even bent in a little. Very uncomfortable after an hour.

But yeah, thank you and I appreciate the advice, I will absolutely be taking it.

Meal:

Sour dough bread with cream cheese and dill, tomatoes with salt and pepper, potato chips, green onion, banana peppers, and sardines :>.

pizza and wine for girl dinner tonight 🍕🍷

my husband’s grandma was very suddenly on her deathbed over the weekend and he flew back home to be with his family and say goodbye to her. it was a drop everything and go moment, so I had to stay back with our pets because I couldn’t find care for them on such short notice

he’s been gone for 3 days and I am just sad and lonely. we havent spent more than a day apart from each other since we’ve been married, he’s my very best friend and we do everything together. I am so glad he was able to get home to be with family, and grandma passed away day before yesterday. he was super close with her so my heart breaks for him and I wish I could be there with him

obvi my sadness is nothing compared to what he’s going through right now, but just bein lonely is a real downer.

So the other day, I decided to go out to see a movie with an old male friend whom I hadn’t seen in a while expecting it to just be a casual hangout. I do not like him romantically whatsoever. It was fine at the start with us getting our snacks and sitting down and stuff but as soon as the previews were done, he asked to hold my hand. The request made me a little uncomfortable but I accepted thinking it would be brief, cause I’ve held hands with platonic friends at movies before. Immediately after accepting, I learned that was a bad idea because as soon as my hand landed on his, he took his other hand and started weirdly caressing it and eventually my entire arm.
This icked me out a lot but I decided to tolerate it because I really wanted to see what happened in this movie. Whenever I would remove my hand from his to reach for my candy or drink, he would place his hand on my thigh and, like, lightly squeeze it. It went from me holding his hand to him basically using that as a gateway to keep literally both his hands on me the entire fucking time. He was touching my arm, my shoulder, my fucking hair, and at one point I curled my legs in toward my chest to prevent him from touching my thigh and he put one hand on my knee and the other was trailing down touching my FOOT (I was wearing sandals).
At that point, I excused myself to the bathroom because I genuinely needed to piss from the giant soda I had but I never went back into the movie. I pretended that I had really bad period cramps and needed to go home.
I’m not necessarily traumatized by what happened, just astounding pissed off that someone would have the audacity to touch someone that way without their informed consent. And I fucking KNOW he would not have done any of that had I been a male friend and not a female friend.

And yeah, Mac and cheese or whatever

Edit: I understand where advice like “just tell him to stop” comes from, however, I find that it’s much easier said than done. I did not want to cause a scene or drama so my best method to escape this was to leave and stop talking to him. Seriously. Had I told you this to your face, would you still be blaming me for not “speaking up”? I find that the internet leads a lot of you to be bolder without consideration of what real life confrontation is like.

blueberry bagel with whipped cream cheese topped with blueberries and honey. Then baked!

I messed up. I slept with someone from my past while my ex and I were on a break.

My ex and I have been on and off because we started dating at young ages and were figuring out ourselves. In the past when were broken up I moved on and slept around and one of them was the guy I slept with again recently.

The reason we broke up this time was because he wasn’t serious about moving forward and marrying me. I didn’t realize how badly I wanted my ex instead. I knew I messed up and I knew I had to be honest.

Now he hates me and I ruined away my entire 20s where 8 of them I was with him… I knew him since we were 19/18.

He told me that he was thinking of marrying me recently, but I threw it all out the window. My friends think he was lying to hurt me because that’s all I wanted with him.

He’s also saying I can’t go to his roomate’s wedding. Even if he doesn’t go because he hasn’t been serious about getting his passport til now. It just hurts because I spent so much time with his roomate while my ex would play video games or be in his room. I even went out to dinner with his roommates family on my graduation day recently because I have love for them.

I just don’t know what to do… I’m spiraling.

I eating Fire Bird chicken sandwich. I spent 70 bucks on DoorDash for this a side of fries, a drink, plus my partners drink and sandwich. I said fuck it, I just spend 2500 on the worst roller coaster of my life.

We did our last car ride, we showed him the beach one last time, and then took him to our vet after begging them to see us, knowing what the verdict will be.

I’ve had this dog less than a year, knew he was sick and potentially will die young when I adopted him, but there was something about him. He had the most gentle heart.

I don’t have the heart to pack all his things up. I bought the whole cremation package. He will be home with us soon.

I’m in college for finance and it’s astonishing and disappointing to me how some of my peers WANT to use AI.

In one of my financial modeling classes, we have been practicing how to prompt AI to extract financial data and build us interactive models. Yes, I am required to use AI. I understand that “we’re learn where the work force is going,” but fuck that! I do not want to contribute to this.

I spent some time in the military, so I’m like a decade older than most students, and know some are against AI, but so many are willingly letting it do everything for them. I’ve noticed so many students can’t even read the directions for assignments and understand what is being asked of them. AI is making people stupid.

We had group presentations today and had to take notes for feedback, and a guy behind me said, “I wish I could record this so AI could do it for me.” FFS why are you wasting your time and money here!

Fuck AI, fuck Peter Thiel, fuck Amazon, fuck Facebook, and fuck Palantir. The partnerships among these companies are horrifying.

Anyways, I’m 46 days sober today, and I’m ready for finals to be over.

Food: sourdough with tomato, cucumber, green onion, cream cheese, Trader Joe’s garlic dip, everything seasoning, and pepper, 3 dates, and good sense yuzu citrus nut mix

Electric Mix from TJ Maxx.

I work in a remote position for a company that works in several states. I am moving from one state to another in less than a month, this plan has been in place for 2 years. My management team has known about my move for 6 months. I was told everything would be fine and I could take my job.

Today my boss pulled me into a call and told me that while they were still trying to help me keep my job, they were being told by HR that I couldn't work in my new state for the company.

I will admit that I don't really remember the reasoning that they explained to me because I was beginning to panic. I think it was related to tax laws and payroll issues.

I'm devastated. I love this job. I had planned everything in my move around keeping this position. I need a remote job for several reasons, including disabilities, and this one was perfect.

I love the team that I work with, and I love my management team, who were very apologetic and said that they were blindsided by this information. Tomorrow I'm going to put on my big girl pants and figure this out. But today I had a bag of blue gummies for dinner. 💔⛈️

I'm finally admitting to myself and others that I am a trans woman. I've kinda always lived like a woman and enjoyed dressing up. I've just been so scared. I have an appointment on Saturday with planned parenthood for a consult and hopefully I start hrt after. I'm just so nervous. I don't have any friends that have been through this. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with gender dysphoria today and it actually made me feel better. Like she recognizes me for me.

Dill pickle flaming hot puffs and a Casey's Italian provolone wrap for comfort.

Meat sauce over baby spinach because it gives a nice chroinsch 🤌 and I hate myself too much to allow carbs. Today would’ve been my one year wedding anniversary.
——

I met a mean girl, but at first she wasn’t mean at all. She was perfectly sweet. And she had actually found me.

It was the pandemic. Everyone lived online then. I moderated a chatroom for queer women. One night, a girl named Elise messaged me and asked if she was allowed to talk to me. Before I could answer, she said that if I had any interest in a bi-curious girl stranded in rural Alabama, I should text her.

I did.

I met up with a mean girl in real life, but she was just tired. I picked cotton on my way to see her where we met at a cabin. I cried the whole way home.

I fell in love with a mean girl, though mostly she was only petty. Some nights we stayed awake until sunrise just talking. She loved to talk. Those nights were rare because she had a baby boy. We would visit each other when we could.

I moved across the country to be with a mean girl, and when I arrived she was only a little catty, and suspicious of me. We made love constantly. I lived in the middle of nowhere among stray dogs, collapsing houses, and the distant percussion of gunshots ringing through the dark. Cars screamed through late-night meetups, tires scratching at the quiet like they were trying to tear the night sky open, and somewhere in all of it, I fell in love with her differently. I fell in love with her son, too.

I lived with a mean girl, though she was only mean when I deserved it. So I tried harder. I tried to learn how to parent. I touched her constantly but rarely let her touch me back because I only wanted to please her. I cooked dinner and cleaned the house and did the laundry and earned the money. I entertained the children and kissed the bruises and was part of the village. She smelled like lavender at nighttime after I would read to him. By then, he had known me for half of his life.

I married a mean girl on June 1. By then she was mean all the time.

She came home after an argument one day with ligature marks around her neck. She went to the hospital. I don’t know why they let her out. Sometimes she scratched at the spare bedroom door while I locked myself behind it. She would scream. I worried about her waking him up. Did you know that violence that is heard but not seen is worse? A child’s imagination runs wild, and it always imagines the worst.

I left a mean girl, and her son.

Now life is easy but hollowed out. I would trade almost anything—my pride, my dignity, even a slap across the face—for one more ordinary hour of that life. To crawl into bed behind her and put my face in the crook of her neck and breathe her in like eating air. She was nice when she was sleeping.

I loved a mean girl, and now my heart lives outside my body, away from home. I wonder if we will run into each other at the supermarket. I would run to him because he is the best parts of her.

birthday cake for dinner. it’s a sad, rainy day and the clouds match how I feel. first birthday without my dad, the first one without hearing him sing happy birthday to me… I’m far from my family and really overwhelmed 💔 sorry I’m just venting :(

McDonald’s French fry and a local ice cream shop ice cream with mint, Oreo, and cookie dough.

I’ve been going on walks most days trying to get fit and build up endurance. There’s a nice trail by my apartment that goes through by some museums and around a local community college. Some guy started talking to me while I was walking. I wasn’t interested im engaged and also a lesbian. But im pretty friendly and don’t mind chatting. We walked and talked maybe like 15-30 minutes and then when we walked in front of the library four cops ran over and yelled to get on the ground. Told him he was getting arrested. Apparently some woman IDed him for doing something an hour before:/

i’ve (21 f) been on and off with my (ex) bf (19 m) after he crashed out so bad after me going to a boy’s volleyball game but recently he snapped and showed true colors

over text he told me my pussy stinks, it was loose asf even though i’m a virgin, my ass and tits are mid, i was a 6 or 7 at best, attacking all my insecurities, saying he had to find pussy cause mine was so bad, he was gonna fuck this girl i was insecure about ( and so much more vile things ) and to top it all of he hopes i die. he said he hopes i die multiple times of things like cancer, hit by car, go blind, etc

i’m very hurt i never thought he would act this way, or say such things to me. he was my first love and im extremely hurt i have no idea what to do. i have therapy on thursday but i feel so awful and sad i don’t know what to do.

i dont want him to move on from me at all, but i don’t want him especially after all those vile comments.

he purposely attacked everything i was insecure about and told him i was insecure about. i keep trying to tell myself none of it is true, especially because he admitted to saying it out of spite.

thinking about him with a new girl makes me want to throw up. he blocked me but i wish i could talk to him i don’t know why i hate this situation and myself please someone give me advice on how to get over this or cope or talk some sense into me.

i am so broken from this i don’t want to believe it’s real at all

EDIT: it was my colleges MALE TEAM volleyball game i didn’t go with a guy. me and my female friends went to the college volleyball game and it was the male team playin

EDIT 2: some additional context. he drove out 6 hours to see me after i repeatedly told him not to. after saying no to meeting him (cause i was low-key scared of him) he said all of this. he’s also saying im playing the victim because im a dumb white girl 😭 (he’s mexican) he said all this stuff to burn bridges as we are finally done after i apparently “made him drive 6 hours to not even see him”. he also sent my dad photos of himself flexing saying “this is what she’s losing” so yeah he genuinely mental unwell. i’m scared he might try to get revenge on me by leaking pictures or telling people im “loose” even though he always talked about how tight i was 🙄.

Today is my scheduled induction day. I am currently having mild contractions while I have my lunch. Hoping I will get to finally meet my baby girl later today.

Update: started induction at 11:30 with pitocin. Baby girl born at 4:42. Both mom and baby are happy and healthy. Thanks for all the support and kind words! This was an amazing experience as a first time mom. Heart is so unbelievably full right now.